Whatcha textin bout Willis?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
