i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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