I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
