i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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