The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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