I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
