his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
