Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
