Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
