I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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