Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
