you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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