I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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