She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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