What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My dick has a subreddit
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
