mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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