Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
