Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
