I am in a vortex of obligation.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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