Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
