Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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