He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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