That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
