So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
