I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
