A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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