it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
