I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
