whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I intend to get homeless drunk
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
