Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
