just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think a kid would responsible me up
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
