we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
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Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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