i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
