his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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