I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
