I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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