Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
