She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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