Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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