Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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