Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
