Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize