why im i the only drunk person in the library?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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