How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
