I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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