if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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