She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm really busy with my period
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