Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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