There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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