i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
