Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
