just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
