a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
